“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
I call it the uncomfortable sensation of feeling skittering on my insides. Crunchy, colorful fall leaves skitter in a ballet across sidewalks, roads, any hard surface. They are less graceful caught in grass turning brown as cold weather advances in the north country or trapped in roots of trees in deep woods.
The skittering on my insides doesn’t follow any seasonal pattern. It happens when I am puzzled but am not sure what is puzzling me, when I sense change coming but can’t figure out what the change might be, when I have more questions than answers about trivial and crucial things in my life. I've had a too long skittering season. It followed a season of interior gray days with bursts of joy breaking the shadows that stalked my moods.
I prayed. I journaled. I talked to close friends. I read Scripture. I attended my Bible study group. I sought laughter and found it but the depression and skittering lingered. Reading is my comfort. Each day, I read for ten minutes in over a dozen non-fiction books, mostly Christian based, other than one on writing memoir.
Worst of all I was irritable with my best friend and spouse who puts up with this moody wife who dwells in the land of words, those I write and those I read. Then a friend shared her decision to move too far away, out of reach for coffee, for face time. She too had been in a season of skittering. She chose to listen to God for relief and clarity. What a concept! After our meeting, on my drive home, I rejected tears. Who am I to grieve a decision that came through prayer and God listening? I told God it would be wonderful if He would soothe my skittering, settle me, calm the unsettling.
It wasn’t a long drive home, less than 15 or 20 minutes but by the half-way point, the skittering ended. Clarity cleared away that unsettled season, sent joy shooting through like a burst of fireworks. I saw a path I had not seen because I had not looked. I was too busy thinking about my own needs. And the path is still vague. I’ll have to rely on God to light it.I do apologize if this blog confuses you. But stay tuned. Eventually, I’ll try to unconfused you. But not yet.